SEINFELD "The Best Sitcom Ever" Series - "The English Patient"

Seinfeld

The English Patient

Season 8, Episode 17, Aired 3/13/97

EPISODE SUMMARY

A woman mistakes George for her boyfriend Neil, a guy who looks just like him. This intrigues George; he wants to meet Neil. Jerry is going to Florida to help his parents move. Kramer asks him to pick up some Cubans from his cigar guy and also gives him a T-shirt. Elaine and her boyfriend see "The English Patient"; she absolutely hates it and that makes her unpopular and dumped. Jerry's dad gets the T-shirt, #1 Dad, that he is very proud to wear, despite its small size. At his parents' exercise room, Jerry meets Izzy, an 80-year-old man who can't stand to lose; he challenges Jerry to a weightlifting competition; "It's go time!" He throws his back out again and again. Kramer's Cubans arrive; they're real people and not the cigars that Jerry thought he would be getting. George is overly obsessed with Neil, to the point where he is missing out on Danielle. Jerry is back in New York, where Izzy has returned to see a back specialist. Though Kramer's Cubans are really Dominicans he tries to pass them off as "Cubans" anyway; it doesn't work. Elaine's dislike for the film alienates her from everyone. When she tells Peterman that she hasn't seen the film, he immediately takes steps to correct the situation. Jerry meets the rest of Izzy's family all of who are fiercely competitive. He finds work for Kramer's "Cubans." Elaine still hates the movie, but must go to the Tunisian desert to live in a cave to save her job. Kramer thinks his unemployed Dominicans, whom he educated about communism, are planning to revolt; later they do. George gets a last word on Neil when Danielle makes a decision between the two of them.

Seinfeld

Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.

Seinfeld

Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? Those sex scenes!
I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!

The English Patient (Seinfeld)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"The English Patient" is the 151st episode of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld. It was the 17th episode for the eighth season and aired on March 13, 1997.

Plot

A beautiful woman, Danielle (Chelsea Noble), 

mistakes George for her boyfriend Neil, a man who she claims looks just like him. 

This intrigues George; he wants to meet Neil.Jerry is going to Florida to help his parents move. Kramer asks him to pick up some "Cubans" for him and gives him a pale blue T-shirt that says "#1 Dad."

Elaine and her boyfriend see The English Patient; 

she hates it, and her boyfriend breaks up with her as a result. 

Morty finds the "#1 Dad" T-shirt and is very flattered by the "gesture" (going as far as saying that it is the nicest thing Jerry has ever done for him, much to Jerry's dismay, since he has bought him a Cadillac twice) and proudly wears his new shirt despite its small size. At his parents' exercise room, Jerry meets Izzy Mandelbaum (Lloyd Bridges), an 80-year-old man who cannot stand to lose. Izzy promptly challenges Jerry to a weightlifting competition ("It's go time!"), but throws his back out again and again. 

Kramer's Cubans arrive, but they are people, not cigars. George is obsessed with Neil to the point where he is missing out on Danielle. Jerry is back in New York, where Izzy Mandelbaum has returned to see a back specialist.

 

It turns out that Kramer's Cubans are really Dominicans that are trying to pass off as Cuban cigar rollers; it fails spectacularly.

Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself.

Elaine's dislike for The English Patient alienates her from everyone. Not wishing to upsetJ. Peterman, she claims to have never seen the film. Her plan backfires, however, when he immediately takes steps to correct the situation by dropping everything and taking Elaine to see it. 

 

Jerry meets the rest of the Mandelbaums, all of whom are fiercely competitive and old. Izzy's son and father also injure their backs. Jerry finds work for Kramer's "Cubans" at Izzy's "Magic Pan" restaurant, rolling crêpes. Elaine is eventually forced to reveal her dislike of the movie to Peterman, and in turn, is punished with a trip to Tunisia (the filming location of The English Patient), where she must live in a cave to save her job.

The "Cubans" roll the crêpes too tightly, causing the filling to spray out and burn customers. Kramer fears that his unemployed Dominicans, whom he educated aboutcommunism, are planning to revolt. George finally meets Neil in a hospital, after Neil was burned by a crêpe; Danielle chooses Neil over George, but George gets the last laugh by pulling out his intravenous cord. Elaine's plane to Tunisia is about to play the movie Sack Lunch, but is hijacked by the angry Dominicans, who are all wearing pale blue "#1 Dad" T-shirts. They demand the movie be turned off, much to Elaine's chagrin.

• Quotes

  
  
  • Jerry: (to George) So she wanted you to come up but you left because you thoughtsome guy might be calling you!?! 
  • Elaine: Oh, come on, Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch. Blaine: It's a family in a brown paper bag. 
  • Guillermo: Ladies and gentleman, because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan Crepe restaurants, we are hijacking this plane to Cuba. Kindly stay in your seats, and shut that movie off. Elaine: Aw, nuts! 
  • George: So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut. 
  • Izzy Sr.: Hey, I can't see the TV. Jerry: (approaches the TV and moves) Here! (leaves w/ the Mandelbaums shocked) Izzy: You think you're better than us, don't you?!
  • Earl: I thought he quit smoking cigars. Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother… Dennis. Earl: Dennis Castro? Kramer: Uh, Dwayne. Earl: Get the hell outta my office. Kramer: What!? 
  • Jerry: I swear to you, I didn't know the TV was bolted to the table. 
  • 
    
  • Dugan: (enthusiastically about "The English Patient") Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me. 
  • Izzy Sr. My boys! Izzy: My dad! Izzy Jr. My grandpa! Jerry: Oh, come on! Izzy Sr.What happened to him (points to Jr.) Jerry: He was trying to lift the TV. Izzy Sr. That TV? (approaches it) Jerry: Oh, no. (to the other two) It's go time. (we hear cracking bones) 
  • Izzy: Hi, son. Izzy Jr.: Hi daddy. Jerry: This is your son? Izzy: I got married in high school. 
  • George: How old is the son? Jerry: I think he's the same age as the father. 
  • Izzy: How 'bout that, huh? "The World's Greatest Dad." My son made it for me.
  • Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined. Jerry: Is not. Kramer: Is too. Jerry: Is not.Kramer: Is too. Jerry: I'm not having this conversation. Kramer: Are too. Jerry: Am not. Kramer: Are too. Jerry: Am not. Kramer: Are too. 
  • George: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! Ha ha ha! 
  • Jerry: George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
  • Elaine: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use! 
  • Neil: George, (comes closer) I win. 
  • Jerry: Why are the crapes spraying? Kramer: I think the Dominicans are rolling them too tight. That's why you got to get real Cubans. 
  • J. Peterman: Elaine, you don't like the movie? Elaine: I HATE IT!!! (everyone shushes Elaine) OH, GO TO HELL!!! 
  • J. Peterman: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now. 
  • Jerry: You're not wearing a shirt, are you? Kramer: Yes, I am. Jerry: What color is it? Kramer: (looks down) Damn! 
  • Morty: #1 signing off! 
  • Morty: Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. Now, goodnight. (heads to the bedroom with Helen following him) Helen: You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight. Morty: This shirt will never leave my body. 
  • Izzy: Call an ambulance! Jerry: We're already in a hospital! 
  • Elaine: You know, sex in a tub, that doesn't work! 
  • 
    
  • Elaine: So do you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack? 
  • (While talking about the Mandelbaums.) George: What is with this family? Jerry: I don't know. It's like if one of them dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket. 
  • Danielle: George, I can't move in with you. George: What? Danielle: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England. George: No. You can't leave me. Marry me! I'll burn myself! I'LL BURN MY PARENTS!! 
  • Izzy Jr.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you? Izzy: This is Seinfeld's kid. Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age. Jerry: (chuckling) You got any kids? 
  • Helen: How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself. Jerry: He egged me on. Helen: You should be more mature. Jerry: He'seighty! 
  • Elaine: Hey, what're you guys doing here? Lisa: We just saw The English Patientagain. Gail: It's even better the second time. Elaine: They make it longer? 
  • Izzy: Think you're better than me, huh? Morty: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s. Jerry: 1850s? 
  • George: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a cane. Jerry: Who's she dating, Mr. Peanut? 
  • Mr. Peterman: Elaine, why didn't you tell me you saw "The English Patient" and hated it?………You're fired. 
  • Blaine: Enjoy Sack Lunch. 
  • Mandlemaum: Now who is the number one dad? Jerry: Well I don't know how official any of these rankings are. 
  • Kramer: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!
  • Morty: Son, this shirt is the best thing you've ever given me. Jerry: You know I bought you a Cadillac, twice. 
  • The Three Mandlebaums: Mandlebaum! Mandlebaum! Mandlebaum! 
  • 
    
  • Mandlebaum: It's go time! 
  • George: I've got to out-do this Neil guy. Jerry: What if it's Neil Armstrong? George: Then I'm going to Mars! 
  • Danielle: How could you not like that movie? Elaine: How 'bout... it sucked?