Plot
Elaine has tickets for Swan Lake. She is going as a beard for a gay man (Robert Mailhouse) whose boss, he believes, is homophobic. George is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer thinks he looks handsome.
Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn't have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.
On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless man (Jon Gries).
At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry has his eye on a female Sergeant, Sgt. Cathy Tierny (Katherine LaNasa). On their way back Kramer argues with the homeless man and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet Elaine is acting as Robert's girlfriend.
Back at Monk's Cafe Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him "change teams" (i.e., "convert" to heterosexuality). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own "equipment."
At Jerry's apartment Kramer needs a Tupperware to save his meal. George arrives very confident after talking on the phone with Denise, Kramer's friend. Jerry mocks George's "hair hat" telling him Denise will find out.
Kramer decides to eat lunch at the police station with his friend Lou, the sketch artist, and Jerry tags along to meet with Sgt. Tierny. At the station, Kramer stands in a police lineupfor quick $50.
George meets Denise at Monk's, although she is wearing a hat. While looking at the lie detector Jerry's girlfriend wants him to take the test to see whether or not he watches Melrose Place.
Later, Elaine mocks Jerry for not telling her that he watched Melrose Place. Jerry wants George to tell him how to beat the polygraph.
Elaine is going on another "date" with Robert and she is ready to perform the conversion. George arrives disgusted saying that Denise is bald. After arguing that George is bald, too ("I WAS bald!"), Elaine throws his wig out the window, and the homeless guy picks it up.
After the date, Elaine invites Robert to her apartment. Wig-less George tells Jerry he is again himself, and will continue seeing the bald woman. Later, Elaine triumphantly announces to Jerry that Robert has defected his team and that the conversion went perfectly ("Sex and shopping"). Afterwards, Kramer is still doing police lineups. Jerry takes the lie detector test, but quickly cracks under the pressure of clever questions regarding controversial plot developments in Melrose Place, which provoke him to vent his strongly held opinions on those controversies, thereby exposing his familiarity with the series.
At Jerry's apartment Elaine comments how Robert went back to his team because they always have access to their "equipment".
In the last scene Kramer is still doing lineups but then he gets in trouble when he is recognized by a witness of a robbery: the homeless man.
Quotes
- Jerry: Hey, there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean, bald?
George: What do you think I mean, bald? Bald. BALD bald!
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's BALD!
- Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
George: No, I'm not. I was bald.
(Elaine grabs at the toupee; George dodges the grab.)
George: Elaine.
(Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.)
George: No, no, no, Elaine!
Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing! And here's what I'm doing with it!
(She tosses the toupee out the window.)
George: NO!
(He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.)
- Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.
(Theme song of Melrose Place plays.)
Jerry: (Watching Melrose Place) Oh, that Michael, I hate him. he's just so smug.
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